Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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