last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
