I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
