So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
