i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
