It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
