I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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