my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He felt like a one man threesome
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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