He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
