dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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