Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
smell my finger.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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