i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
