girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
