When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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