Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
