Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
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She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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