I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
