Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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