apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
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It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize