I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
