I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
