I CAN MOONWALK!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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