Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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