she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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