Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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