i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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