ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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