We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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