No stitches, just platelets and will power
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
