I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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