Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
