There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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