Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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