I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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