Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
