I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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