My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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