I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
