He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
