when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
