Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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