I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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