New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
