If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
