just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
