Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
