why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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