i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
