please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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