Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
