nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize