I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im holly from the hills drunk
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
