i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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