i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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