Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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