Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Green mimosas i think yes
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
