Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she told me i tasted like america
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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