My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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